By Karen Perez, Ph.D., CRC, ABMP
Sports & Medical Psychologist

Helpless. This one word seems to sum it all up about how we feel when someone we care about is hurting - physically and emotionally. When we feel helpless, we feel powerless to change, cure or fix someone or something. We feel unable to make a significant difference in the life of the one we love - they are ill, perhaps even dying, and there is nothing we can do to change it.

Overwhelmed. When feeling so helpless and powerless, we feel overwhelmed and may choose the route of non-involvement or “wait it out” - we may abandon the one we care about. We inadvertently alienate our loved one or prevent that person from owning and dealing with the suffering. And, some of us, can’t help but worry endlessly, thus jeopardizing our own welfare.

It is important to recognize the opportunities present in the midst of the suffering you and your loved one are experiencing. You and your loved one do feel helpless, hopeless, powerless, and overwhelmed; but, there are opportunities and challenges thrive here. This is an opportunity to develop and deepen your relationship - friendship and unconditional love.

Ways to work through the suffering with the one you love:

• Take the initiative. Even though we may feel inadequate, out of control, without answers and afraid of failure, we must admit these painful feelings and risk getting involved. We must reach out a simple note, a kind word, a gentle touch, a listening ear can mean so much to someone bearing a weighty burden of pain.
• Be a good student. People who are suffering are often best teachers. They show us the true meaning of patience, compassion and faith. We need to appreciate the differences in suffering experienced by our loved one.
• Be aware of available resources. Those of us concerned about suffering loved ones need to be careful about doing too much alone. Even though we have the best intentions, we might be acting out of ignorance or lack of understanding of the real problem and end up being more hurtful. Good will is not enough in every situation. Special skills, which we may lack, are often necessary - we need to provide information for more qualified resource persons.
• Avoid the “fix-it” approach. Good intentions can go awry if we try to take control of a situation that the suffering person really needs to deal with - each of us must somehow come to terms with the sorrowful events of our life and unique pain. Trying to “fix-it” may actually hinder that person for feeling the pain, taking responsibility for it and making life changes that might alleviate it.
• Take care of yourself. We must be aware of our limits. We need to know what we can and cannot offer to someone who is suffering. No one can be there for others 100% of the time; we need to balance our lives. There are times we must say “no” to others and “yes” to ourselves - and not feel guilty in doing so. We must allow time for ourselves to relax and enjoy things we like to do.