By Irina Fiksman, MD with Raya Goldenberg, M.S.W., C.S.W., A.C.S.W.

Saying NO to any, even most reasonable, request is a prerogative of every human being. Exercising this right is frequently mired in conflict, uneasiness and guilt. Saying NO does not imply that you dislike, deliberately hurt or reject another person; you are simply refusing a request.

Often, the way the refusal is delivered creates more hard feelings than the refusal itself. And so does passive-aggressive behavior - agreeing to do something and then “forgetting” that, or sabotaging the request in some other subtle way.

• Ask yourself, "How do I feel about this request?"  If you discern any uneasiness it means that you want to say NO, or may need more information before deciding to answer.

• Assert your right to ask for more information, clarification and time before you answer: "hmm, let me see if I understand you correctly, you’re asking me to…"

• Once you’ve decided to decline a request, be clear, direct, concise, and to the point.
• Give a simple ‘no’ followed by one of the following:
  - I would prefer not to…
  - I would rather…
  - I am not willing to…
  - I don’t want

• Don’t be swayed by pleading, begging, cajoling, compliments, or other forms of manipulation. 

• You may but do not necessarily have to offer reasons for your refusal; don't get carried away with numerous excuses.

• Apologize if you are genuinely sorry, but keep your apology brief and simple.

• Be cognizant of your verbal and nonverbal communication

• Look directly at the person you are talking to, eye to eye.
• Sit or stand up tall with a straight back. Consciously relax your shoulders.
• Keep your face relaxed
• Breathe normally without holding your breath
• Speak slowly, clearly and steadily in order not to sound abrupt.
• Avoid mumbling, whispering, whining or using an apologetic tone of voice.
• Emphasize your most important points with gestures and facial expressions.
• Keep a comfortable distance.
• Avoid Aggressive Body Language:
  - Leaning forward with glaring eyes.
  - Pointing a finger at the person to whom you are speaking
  - Shouting
  - Clenching the fists
  - Putting hands on hips and wagging the head

Saying NO politely and without excessive guilt can become a very assertiveness enhancing habit.