By Irina Fiksman, MD and Karen Schulz-Perez, PhD

In a perfect world all mothers are devoted, loving and caring. The world we are living in is full of adults raised by mothers not quite perfect, and sometimes quite far from perfect. These folks hardly enjoy Mother's Day. For them it may trigger fantasies of how different their lives may have been had they been raised by different mothers, and deep mourning for the mothers they wish they had had.

If you are one of them, below are some tips you might find helpful:

• Stop blaming yourself for what you went through as a child. It's not your fault no matter what your mother may have told you. Children never deserve that, and adults are always the ones responsible for whatever may have gone on.
• Accept that the past cannot be undone or rewritten. Focus on your present and future.
• Remember that you are no longer a helpless child you once were. You do not have to be a victim or to victimize someone else. It's up to you how you think and act now.
• Dispense your self-pity in limited doses; large ones may be extremely toxic to you and your loved ones.
• Look back at the good times too. There must have been some: few things in life are completely black, and few people are devoid of any redeeming qualities.
• Refrain from using your deprived childhood as an excuse for your grownup actions. This excuse is very lame indeed.
• Forgive your mother, if you can - it may make your life easier. Let yourself be if you find no forgiveness in your heart.
• Acknowledge that the adversities of the less than perfect mothering you were raised with may have catalyzed your current wisdom, compassion and internal resiliency.
• Try to be civil with your mother if she is still living. Do make peace with her if she is no longer with us.
• Accept that your mother's praise and acceptance may elude you irrespective of how great your accomplishments are. Trying harder will only make you more frustrated.
• Give yourself permission to spurn further abuse of any kind.
• Inform your mother about the upcoming change in your communication pattern.
  
  - Choose a time of relative calm in your relationship.
  - Deliver your message in a clear, direct, and non-aggressive way.
  - Describe the changes you'd like to make, be specific about what action should stop and what should start.
  - Keep your verbal and nonverbal communication in synch. Avoid shouting, whining, using an angry or apologetic tone of voice.
  - Be prepared to reinforce this message as often as necessary.
• Decide for yourself, what and how much attention you're willing to give your mother; do not allow her to manipulate into actions you are not prepared to take.