By Raya Goldenberg, M.S.W., C.S.W., A.C.S.W.

Divorces are seldom amicable, always stressful, and never bring out the best in people.
If divorce is one of an adult's greatest stressors, for children, it's catastrophic: The world as they've known it all their lives suddenly lies shattered. Two people whom they most love and cherish are at war with each other.  Children regularly blame themselves for their parents’ divorce.  And if that were not enough, they often find themselves to be pawns in their parents’ war games.

If you are a divorced parent or seeking a divorce, here are some do's and don'ts you may find helpful:

Do's		Don’ts
Remember that your children are deeply affected by divorce; new behavior problems are signs of emotional distress.		Minimize the trauma your divorce inflicts on your children.
Tell all your children about the divorce at the same time; be honest and truthful with them.		Tell your children more than they need to know.
Encourage your children to talk to you about their fears or worries.		Tell your children how they should feel.
Assure your children that they are not the reason their parents split up, and that both of you will continue to love and care for them.		Put your children in the middle, manipulate or pressure them to take sides.
Recognize any possible conflict between your needs and your children’s needs.		Use your children as weapons against their other parent.
Find constructive ways to work through your feelings.   Seek professional help if you need to.		Rely on your children for emotional support, use them as your sounding board, friend or therapist.
Be civil with your spouse in front of the children.		Bad mouth the other parent or fight with each other in front of the children.
Try to be more available to your children than ever before.  Maintain as many old habits and rituals as possible while changing as little as possible, especially at first.		Keep your children from seeing the other parent or other parent's relatives, unless these visitations may put them in danger.
Keep in touch with your children while allowing them to keep in touch with the other parent.		Cancel or come late to planned visits.
Work as a team with your former spouse on common parenting goals for the sake of your children.		Use your children as messengers or spies.

If your children are growing up between two homes:

• Create a real home in each place.
• Make your children's environment as familiar as possible for them by maintaining a consistent place for their belongings, incorporating their favourite treasures, toys, pictures and blankets.
• Display your children’s pictures in your new house.
• Spend time one-on-one time with your children while involving them in whole family functions.
• Try to keep their visits natural and pleasant, but do provide boundaries, and don't be afraid to discipline them.
• Collaborate with the other parent on making your children’s routine at each home as similar as possible.
• Allow your children to call the other parent and provide privacy while they are talking to them.

Raya Goldenberg, M.S.W., C.S.W., A.C.S.W, specializes in treating older adults, women's and parenting issues, assertiveness trainings, and group therapy of anxiety disorders.