By Irina Fiksman, M.D. with Raya Goldenberg, M.S.W., C.S.W., A.C.S.W.
Assertiveness is the ability to express one’s own feelings, opinions and wishes in a clear, direct, and tactful way.
Assertive ≠ self-centered, inconsiderate, aggressive, demanding or uncooperative.
Good assertiveness skills enable us to:
ask questions, including questioning authority or tradition- make requests and ask for favors;
- speak up, state our opinions and stand up for our rights without violating the rights of others;
- express negative emotions, such as anger, disappointment, resentment, frustration, etc
- constructively deal with minor irritations before our anger builds into intense resentment and depression
- refuse requests
- show positive emotions, such as joy, pride, affection, attraction, etc
- give and accept compliments
- comfortably initiate, carry on, change and terminate conversations.
Sharing one’s feelings, opinions and experiences with others may be extremely cathartic, however, it requires a belief in one’s right to express herself and the noteworthiness of what she expresses.
Assertiveness skills may be fairly patchy. It’s not uncommon for one to do quite well in some situations and with some people, but be quite timid in other situations and with other people. A successful female executive tolerating verbal abuse from her significant other would exemplify this quite well.
Common reasons for the lack of assertiveness:
Generally well meaning parents teach their children to help, share with and avoid interrupting others; they insist that their children refrain from bothering others with their troubles, unnecessary questions, and on and on.
Many of us grow up accepting these injunctions as absolute and consistently putting other peoples’ needs and wishes ahead of our own, at times doubting our very right to feel as we may. We fear that asserting ourselves will lead to a falling-out with and rejection by others. And besides, shouldn’t others be able to read our minds and know what we want without our telling them?
Adverse consequences of poor assertiveness.
It’s tough to realize that you are being taken advantage of but not to be able to say "no".
You are likely to feel angry, resentful, helpless, worthless, and, of course, guilty about feeling that way. That rather bitter concoction of feelings, taken on a regular basis, leads to:
chronic depression- episodic loss of control, followed by more guilt
- increasing feelings of helplessness and worthlessness
- avoidance of situations or people making one uncomfortable
- physical complaints and psychosomatic illness
- passive-aggressive behavior
- underachievement in personal and professional endeavors
The distressing consequences of underdeveloped assertiveness skills make them remarkably worth mastering, and that is well within everybody’s reach.
The Language of Assertiveness:
I feel - describe your feeling(s)- When – describe (the other person(s)’ behavior)
- Because (concrete effect or consequence on your situation)
- I’d prefer (offer compromise)
It takes time and practice to master a new skill, and the more you practice the better off you will become.
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Think up a potentially challenging situation, and do role playing with your friends or family members. If this situation resembles some of the real ones playing out between you and the other star of your show – better yet for all concerned!
Everybody, including ourselves, deserves to be treated fairly and respected as a significant, equal human being.
